Recognition of Fear
by tsukishiro-mai
Summary: Being afraid was forbidden. That luxury was never afforded to them. The line between fighting to live and fighting to survive begins to blur.


Always prepared. Prepared for the unexpected, prepared for the absolute worst, and prepared to continue on when both those things collided violently.

Mikasa had lived her life that way. That was the only way she knew how to live. She could never let herself be thrown off by things that would normally derail any other sane human being. It was selfish and dangerous to live with the comfort of blissful ignorance and naivety. Those two things had been ripped away from her for quite some time.

Baring witness to so many deaths, there was no way she could ever keep count. In turn she slayed just as many Titans; the toughening shell she kept herself in hardened continuously day after day. She had to be prepared. Prepared for the unpredictable and the unthinkable. Her own demise. Such and end would mean that she carried out her duties as the well trained soldier she was. To achieve their ultimate goal, her death was mere collateral damage. She assumed that's what everyone meant when they spoke of the perpetual gut wrenching fear going into battle, the fear of losing your own life.

Not for Mikasa.

That pain, that fear, that anguish, it was all reserved for someone else. For her, it wasn't about herself, it was about Eren. Feelings of constant worry, unrelenting fright, those feelings only ever overwhelmed her otherwise stoic senses when it came to watching Eren leap into battle. He seemed to do it so brash and bold, without a second thought.

There was never a time Mikasa was not in control of herself and what she was capable of doing. She relied and looked out for her fellow squadron, but there was always a piece of her mind that was on the lookout for Eren, no matter where or what he might be doing. In the midst of battle, she caught herself straining to see him out of the corner of her eye. As long as she could see him, even just sense him, she had no trouble moving forward.

Covered in the blood of her triumphant decimation of yet another flourish of Titans, she took in the first deep breath she able to since the day began. She swung with herself with her gear over building and rooftops, scanning the ground and air for any sign of him.

None.

A panicked reaction was something she was able to keep at bay. If she ever let panic take hold of her, she would have been gone a long time ago. Calling out for him, her voice echoed within the narrow corridors and walls. Still no sign of him. She could hear a commotion, a disturbance closer to the outer wall, and she could smell the massive amounts of blood as she got closer to the noise. She glanced down to see half eaten bodies and large blood splatters on the building walls. Her expression never changed, even her breathing evened out. There was a numbness to it all that could never be healed. One last Titan stood at the entrance of a broken wall, one last of the horde that her crew must have been defending. It stood there staring at her. The same dumbfounded look as the rest of them had. It's hand rose, ready to take her out in and instant. Without the slightest flinch, she sent herself flying over to creature, slashing and ending its impending rampage. It fell to the ground with a high cloud of dust forming around him.

Springing back into the air, she gained enough height on the dust cloud to see where the other soldiers had gathered on other rooftops. From one face to the next, she searched for him, nowhere in sight until…

"Mikasa!" An angry scream of her name nearly startled her, but truly lacked showing it. She spun around, heading in the direction of the voice.

"Eren, I was…"

"Damnit! How could you just do that? He was about to swipe you head first into the outer wall. Don't you ever think?!"

At first she didn't respond, she may not have even really heard what he had to say. All she did was let out a sigh of relief.

"I can handle these minor ones with no problem, Eren. You have no reason to doubt—-"

"I have every reason! You just leap into crisis without fucking thinking!"

"You have that covered, that's your department of expertise."

"Don't give me that shit." He huffed for breath, obviously a little more than frustrated with her. "I had that bastard covered, I was behind him and he would have had no notice of me approaching until he was already cut down. You headed straight for him."

"We all do it. We all took vows to take the Titans out no matter what. Cowardice has no place here. I wasn't going to back down."

"Being a coward and being stupid are two very different fucking things. You should have surveyed to see if there was another plan of attack." Suddenly something other than anger crept up into his voice. Mikasa took notice.

"It's something you would have done no problem." She said simply, no edge or rise in her tone of voice.

"That's not the point! That's entirely different. I can handle—-"

"And you know I can as well. I don't need a lecture on how to conduct myself in battle." Slowly, she began to realize it was as if she was looking into a mirror. All those sentiments, all that worry, she knew them all too well. She was so resigned to her duties and willing to give her life for this cause, she never thought what it could have been like to someone else if she had died. Stepping forward, closer to him, her voice hushed and somewhat strained.

"There isn't a need…to worry. You know I am more than capable to…" She watched as his face contorted into a new expression; confused and almost ashamed.

"You know that all means nothing out here. Nothing at all."

"We all have our duties here. If you don't think I have the same worries, you would be truly out of your mind." Especially you. Always you. Her feet stood firm, fighting the strangest and strongest urge to flee she had felt in a long time.

"That's not how it's supposed to work." She watched as his gaze left hers, looking out to the world beyond he walls, beyond the chaos and tragedy that was everyday life around them. A fist of his clenched at his side and she swore she could even hear his teeth grinding before he spoke again.

"Just…think a little. I know you have all sorts of strategies memorized, don't think that it's all on you. We're all out here together. I have to be able to trust that…you know when you are in over your head. I can't think about…" His voice was cut off, even when it looked like his mouth was still trying to form words.

"Then you have to do the same in return." She didn't have to look to know he had rolled his eyes.

There was a moment where neither of the spoke, but simply looked out into the horizon together. It was stupid of her to think that the consequences to her actions wouldn't affect him. She should have known better. It floored her to realize this, that same pain, worry, and fear was something he was experiencing too. She would have to be a bit more mindful of that. That didn't mean being any less attentive to her duties as a soldier, but if what she felt was any indication of what he was feeling moments prior, she didn't wish to put him through that sort of hurt.

She outstretched her hand, almost a reflex to grab his. Eren's was stiff for a moment, then became more pliant and even reciprocated the gesture, if only for a second. They fit together, and one didn't belong without the other. Her drive and motivation was always about him, bettering a possible future where both of them could live on. Really live. That's what all this was about. To pretend that she didn't care about her life was ridiculous. They needed each other, and she glanced over her shoulder to see him looking at her once again. She felt a release of her hand, and it fell back to her side.

"One day, Mikasa. I swear it. One day."

"It will all be over and…"

"We'll be right here. Together."


End file.
